So, one month down, 5 more to go. This is the point in time I really wasn't looking forward to, regardless of how quickly it came. Now it feels like time has just come to an abrupt halt, and I'm stuck here wondering what to do with myself.
What can I do? I'm feeling guilty for finding myself exhausted thinking about him CONSTANTLY, and all the while, every little thought is about him no matter WHAT I do. I love him, more than I'd like to admit sometimes, but I don't doubt it, and that's what counts. But when it feels like life has just stopped at the one-month mark, and now it's like I'm floating through some kind of fog...I don't know what to do. I'm just so tired of this being the only thing I think and feel, non-stop, 24 hours a day, EVERY day.
He's the first thought in my head every morning, and the last thought slipping away as I fall asleep. Twice this week, I woke up thinking I heard him saying my name...it just felt so unsettling for the rest of the morning, and it made me feel a sadness I can't explain. Guess now I'm the one having an "I hate deployment" day!
I don't like this right now. I've started getting into my own routine finally, and it's probably about to worry me. What if, at some point, I get so attached to this routine, that it causes a fight when he comes home? I honestly don't think this will happen, 'cause I'd much rather spend time with him than watch T.V. or whatever I fill my time with in the coming months, but..."what if"? He's so much more important than any of these things, but it's hard not to wonder...
All I know is, it's been a rough month. A lot of feelings I never thought I had, WAY too much time to think, and the resentment of having to sleep alone. I used to LOVE sleeping alone, what happened to that? Will any of this end at some point? I doubt it. So it looks like this rollercoaster ride of deployment is just getting started. One month down, 5 to go!
* I miss you more than you know, baby...Stay safe, stay happy, and come home to me...<3
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