So yesterday was the beginning of an official breakdown. Yup. It wasn't pretty. BUT! It could have been a lot worse...apparently. According to my own feelings towards the situation...I'd say, not so much. I'm embarassed and ashamed of my own emotions. Whatever, right? No. I can't just pass off a real public display. I CRIED at work. Ugh.
I've always heard the horrors of a breakdown. But seriously, crying in the bathroom on break? FUCK. It was a real self-produced ass-kicking that was a long-time coming I gotta say! I'm convinced this is real rock-bottom once you find yourself breaking down like that at work. I mentally/emotionally blacked out for just a split-second, and now I find myself wondering how this happened. Of course, that's a pretty obvious answer: I push everything down and have gotten very good at "self-medicating." What goes up, must come down. In my case...WAY down!
So here I am, lost inside myself, wondering how to take this on and relax at the same time. What the HELL does "relax" even mean, anyway?! I can't shut myself down to save my own life. I keep hearing "you need to relax"...how about I just PUNCH YOU IN THE EYE?! I don't know how to relax. I really don't.
I'm angry, frustrated beyond belief, upset in so many ways...is it really possible to learn what seems to be necessary to live the life I live? I'm so good at being fake, I don't even think I know how to be a real human being. Emotions are just not my thing, even though I'm one of the most empathetic people you could ever meet. Perhaps that is why. I'm so uncomfortable with feelings and the thought of expressing them, that I'd rather "express" them through drugs and alcohol. At least then, I have an excuse if I want to "take it back." Pretend it never happened, even. Hell, I've probably ruined myself in that department anyway. Fact is, I've felt "ruined" my entire life. The only real emotions I'm truly comfortable with are anger and sadness, and they go together quite well, might I add. Strange thing is, I've taught myself how to be happy...but I feel it's taken away from who I used to be. So much so, that I've lost touch with who I am altogether. Strange?
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
WHAT is the POINT?
The last decade of my life, I've spent questioning things. And by things, I mean just about EVERYTHING. I wonder why and how and when and all the other kinds of questions a person can possibly come up with. It doesn't even matter WHY I question these things, I just do because I can, and I do. But you see, now I'm starting to wonder and question society, and the typical lifeline of a human being.
I've been questioning whatever I can question basically my whole life. It started with religion, and then my own life (BIG QUESTIONS!) and now, I'm questioning humanity on its ideals of what a "perfect" life should be about.
The longer certain family members push me, the more I naturally rebel against it. Now, to me, rebellion is a form of protest and intellect. It's NOT a childish temper-tantrum like most people my age seem to throw around. I have been thinking these things through for years, and years...and will continue to do so until I find my own answers and my own personal happiness throughout.
At fourteen, I had the perfect college-university picked out. At fifteen, I "woke up" and learned that life is about so much MORE than what we're brought up to believe. I stopped taking "shit" from people right then and there. I started making my own rules to life, and governing my own mind. (Needless to say, there were/ARE a few select people in this world who don't like this. Do I care? This is MY life. I'll screw up as little or as often as I please.)
Point being: I've done a lot of good things, and I've done a lot of "bad" things. But I've LEARNED from each and every experience and so-called "mistake" and put it to whatever use I feel necessary. How this is negative is beyond me, but like I said...some people just don't get it.
Anyhow, at this time in my life, I'm being pushed again. And really, the only person in this world who should be pushing me to do things in my life is ME. I am intelligent, intellectual, and ambitious. I don't see a point in being a robot. If I want to, say, go to college...I WILL. If I want to move away...I WILL. If I want something, I'LL GO GET IT! But here's my problem: I don't see a point in any of these things people continuously try pushing me to do. I don't WANT these things because I no longer see the point. Money ISN'T EVERYTHING! What is it about society that makes people think they HAVE to go to school, HAVE to get a degree, HAVE to buy a car, and a house, get married, have kids, etc, etc, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!?
What about people like ME, who DON'T want any of these things??! I want to travel, I want to see the world. THAT is MY idea of "perfect" and the best way to educate yourself. I want to fall in love, and stay in love with ONE person for the rest of my life. I want to experience all that LIFE has to offer WITH this one person! I will never settle, because my SOUL will never settle. I refuse to be a societal robot! What purpose, will paying a ton of money to someone to teach me about the world serve, if I never get to see these things for myself? (Put in easier terms: I GUARANTEE each and every one of my history teachers ((i.e my favorite subject)) taught me about things they really had no idea about, and never will. That angers me. And psychology...I'm supposed to be studying this right now. But WHY? I am an extremely empathetic human being, with life experience on my side (amongst my own brain and a few other positives!) to help people with. I don't need to pay someone to teach me how to deal with problems. These things come with life experience, NOT SCHOOLING.
...WHAT IS THE POINT?
I've been questioning whatever I can question basically my whole life. It started with religion, and then my own life (BIG QUESTIONS!) and now, I'm questioning humanity on its ideals of what a "perfect" life should be about.
The longer certain family members push me, the more I naturally rebel against it. Now, to me, rebellion is a form of protest and intellect. It's NOT a childish temper-tantrum like most people my age seem to throw around. I have been thinking these things through for years, and years...and will continue to do so until I find my own answers and my own personal happiness throughout.
At fourteen, I had the perfect college-university picked out. At fifteen, I "woke up" and learned that life is about so much MORE than what we're brought up to believe. I stopped taking "shit" from people right then and there. I started making my own rules to life, and governing my own mind. (Needless to say, there were/ARE a few select people in this world who don't like this. Do I care? This is MY life. I'll screw up as little or as often as I please.)
Point being: I've done a lot of good things, and I've done a lot of "bad" things. But I've LEARNED from each and every experience and so-called "mistake" and put it to whatever use I feel necessary. How this is negative is beyond me, but like I said...some people just don't get it.
Anyhow, at this time in my life, I'm being pushed again. And really, the only person in this world who should be pushing me to do things in my life is ME. I am intelligent, intellectual, and ambitious. I don't see a point in being a robot. If I want to, say, go to college...I WILL. If I want to move away...I WILL. If I want something, I'LL GO GET IT! But here's my problem: I don't see a point in any of these things people continuously try pushing me to do. I don't WANT these things because I no longer see the point. Money ISN'T EVERYTHING! What is it about society that makes people think they HAVE to go to school, HAVE to get a degree, HAVE to buy a car, and a house, get married, have kids, etc, etc, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!?
What about people like ME, who DON'T want any of these things??! I want to travel, I want to see the world. THAT is MY idea of "perfect" and the best way to educate yourself. I want to fall in love, and stay in love with ONE person for the rest of my life. I want to experience all that LIFE has to offer WITH this one person! I will never settle, because my SOUL will never settle. I refuse to be a societal robot! What purpose, will paying a ton of money to someone to teach me about the world serve, if I never get to see these things for myself? (Put in easier terms: I GUARANTEE each and every one of my history teachers ((i.e my favorite subject)) taught me about things they really had no idea about, and never will. That angers me. And psychology...I'm supposed to be studying this right now. But WHY? I am an extremely empathetic human being, with life experience on my side (amongst my own brain and a few other positives!) to help people with. I don't need to pay someone to teach me how to deal with problems. These things come with life experience, NOT SCHOOLING.
...WHAT IS THE POINT?
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