This is it?

So yesterday was the beginning of an official breakdown. Yup. It wasn't pretty. BUT! It could have been a lot worse...apparently. According to my own feelings towards the situation...I'd say, not so much. I'm embarassed and ashamed of my own emotions. Whatever, right? No. I can't just pass off a real public display. I CRIED at work. Ugh.

I've always heard the horrors of a breakdown. But seriously, crying in the bathroom on break? FUCK. It was a real self-produced ass-kicking that was a long-time coming I gotta say! I'm convinced this is real rock-bottom once you find yourself breaking down like that at work. I mentally/emotionally blacked out for just a split-second, and now I find myself wondering how this happened. Of course, that's a pretty obvious answer: I push everything down and have gotten very good at "self-medicating." What goes up, must come down. In my case...WAY down!

So here I am, lost inside myself, wondering how to take this on and relax at the same time. What the HELL does "relax" even mean, anyway?! I can't shut myself down to save my own life. I keep hearing "you need to relax"...how about I just PUNCH YOU IN THE EYE?! I don't know how to relax. I really don't.

I'm angry, frustrated beyond belief, upset in so many ways...is it really possible to learn what seems to be necessary to live the life I live? I'm so good at being fake, I don't even think I know how to be a real human being. Emotions are just not my thing, even though I'm one of the most empathetic people you could ever meet. Perhaps that is why. I'm so uncomfortable with feelings and the thought of expressing them, that I'd rather "express" them through drugs and alcohol. At least then, I have an excuse if I want to "take it back." Pretend it never happened, even. Hell, I've probably ruined myself in that department anyway. Fact is, I've felt "ruined" my entire life. The only real emotions I'm truly comfortable with are anger and sadness, and they go together quite well, might I add. Strange thing is, I've taught myself how to be happy...but I feel it's taken away from who I used to be. So much so, that I've lost touch with who I am altogether. Strange?