So yesterday was the beginning of an official breakdown. Yup. It wasn't pretty. BUT! It could have been a lot worse...apparently. According to my own feelings towards the situation...I'd say, not so much. I'm embarassed and ashamed of my own emotions. Whatever, right? No. I can't just pass off a real public display. I CRIED at work. Ugh.
I've always heard the horrors of a breakdown. But seriously, crying in the bathroom on break? FUCK. It was a real self-produced ass-kicking that was a long-time coming I gotta say! I'm convinced this is real rock-bottom once you find yourself breaking down like that at work. I mentally/emotionally blacked out for just a split-second, and now I find myself wondering how this happened. Of course, that's a pretty obvious answer: I push everything down and have gotten very good at "self-medicating." What goes up, must come down. In my case...WAY down!
So here I am, lost inside myself, wondering how to take this on and relax at the same time. What the HELL does "relax" even mean, anyway?! I can't shut myself down to save my own life. I keep hearing "you need to relax"...how about I just PUNCH YOU IN THE EYE?! I don't know how to relax. I really don't.
I'm angry, frustrated beyond belief, upset in so many ways...is it really possible to learn what seems to be necessary to live the life I live? I'm so good at being fake, I don't even think I know how to be a real human being. Emotions are just not my thing, even though I'm one of the most empathetic people you could ever meet. Perhaps that is why. I'm so uncomfortable with feelings and the thought of expressing them, that I'd rather "express" them through drugs and alcohol. At least then, I have an excuse if I want to "take it back." Pretend it never happened, even. Hell, I've probably ruined myself in that department anyway. Fact is, I've felt "ruined" my entire life. The only real emotions I'm truly comfortable with are anger and sadness, and they go together quite well, might I add. Strange thing is, I've taught myself how to be happy...but I feel it's taken away from who I used to be. So much so, that I've lost touch with who I am altogether. Strange?
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
WHAT is the POINT?
The last decade of my life, I've spent questioning things. And by things, I mean just about EVERYTHING. I wonder why and how and when and all the other kinds of questions a person can possibly come up with. It doesn't even matter WHY I question these things, I just do because I can, and I do. But you see, now I'm starting to wonder and question society, and the typical lifeline of a human being.
I've been questioning whatever I can question basically my whole life. It started with religion, and then my own life (BIG QUESTIONS!) and now, I'm questioning humanity on its ideals of what a "perfect" life should be about.
The longer certain family members push me, the more I naturally rebel against it. Now, to me, rebellion is a form of protest and intellect. It's NOT a childish temper-tantrum like most people my age seem to throw around. I have been thinking these things through for years, and years...and will continue to do so until I find my own answers and my own personal happiness throughout.
At fourteen, I had the perfect college-university picked out. At fifteen, I "woke up" and learned that life is about so much MORE than what we're brought up to believe. I stopped taking "shit" from people right then and there. I started making my own rules to life, and governing my own mind. (Needless to say, there were/ARE a few select people in this world who don't like this. Do I care? This is MY life. I'll screw up as little or as often as I please.)
Point being: I've done a lot of good things, and I've done a lot of "bad" things. But I've LEARNED from each and every experience and so-called "mistake" and put it to whatever use I feel necessary. How this is negative is beyond me, but like I said...some people just don't get it.
Anyhow, at this time in my life, I'm being pushed again. And really, the only person in this world who should be pushing me to do things in my life is ME. I am intelligent, intellectual, and ambitious. I don't see a point in being a robot. If I want to, say, go to college...I WILL. If I want to move away...I WILL. If I want something, I'LL GO GET IT! But here's my problem: I don't see a point in any of these things people continuously try pushing me to do. I don't WANT these things because I no longer see the point. Money ISN'T EVERYTHING! What is it about society that makes people think they HAVE to go to school, HAVE to get a degree, HAVE to buy a car, and a house, get married, have kids, etc, etc, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!?
What about people like ME, who DON'T want any of these things??! I want to travel, I want to see the world. THAT is MY idea of "perfect" and the best way to educate yourself. I want to fall in love, and stay in love with ONE person for the rest of my life. I want to experience all that LIFE has to offer WITH this one person! I will never settle, because my SOUL will never settle. I refuse to be a societal robot! What purpose, will paying a ton of money to someone to teach me about the world serve, if I never get to see these things for myself? (Put in easier terms: I GUARANTEE each and every one of my history teachers ((i.e my favorite subject)) taught me about things they really had no idea about, and never will. That angers me. And psychology...I'm supposed to be studying this right now. But WHY? I am an extremely empathetic human being, with life experience on my side (amongst my own brain and a few other positives!) to help people with. I don't need to pay someone to teach me how to deal with problems. These things come with life experience, NOT SCHOOLING.
...WHAT IS THE POINT?
I've been questioning whatever I can question basically my whole life. It started with religion, and then my own life (BIG QUESTIONS!) and now, I'm questioning humanity on its ideals of what a "perfect" life should be about.
The longer certain family members push me, the more I naturally rebel against it. Now, to me, rebellion is a form of protest and intellect. It's NOT a childish temper-tantrum like most people my age seem to throw around. I have been thinking these things through for years, and years...and will continue to do so until I find my own answers and my own personal happiness throughout.
At fourteen, I had the perfect college-university picked out. At fifteen, I "woke up" and learned that life is about so much MORE than what we're brought up to believe. I stopped taking "shit" from people right then and there. I started making my own rules to life, and governing my own mind. (Needless to say, there were/ARE a few select people in this world who don't like this. Do I care? This is MY life. I'll screw up as little or as often as I please.)
Point being: I've done a lot of good things, and I've done a lot of "bad" things. But I've LEARNED from each and every experience and so-called "mistake" and put it to whatever use I feel necessary. How this is negative is beyond me, but like I said...some people just don't get it.
Anyhow, at this time in my life, I'm being pushed again. And really, the only person in this world who should be pushing me to do things in my life is ME. I am intelligent, intellectual, and ambitious. I don't see a point in being a robot. If I want to, say, go to college...I WILL. If I want to move away...I WILL. If I want something, I'LL GO GET IT! But here's my problem: I don't see a point in any of these things people continuously try pushing me to do. I don't WANT these things because I no longer see the point. Money ISN'T EVERYTHING! What is it about society that makes people think they HAVE to go to school, HAVE to get a degree, HAVE to buy a car, and a house, get married, have kids, etc, etc, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!?
What about people like ME, who DON'T want any of these things??! I want to travel, I want to see the world. THAT is MY idea of "perfect" and the best way to educate yourself. I want to fall in love, and stay in love with ONE person for the rest of my life. I want to experience all that LIFE has to offer WITH this one person! I will never settle, because my SOUL will never settle. I refuse to be a societal robot! What purpose, will paying a ton of money to someone to teach me about the world serve, if I never get to see these things for myself? (Put in easier terms: I GUARANTEE each and every one of my history teachers ((i.e my favorite subject)) taught me about things they really had no idea about, and never will. That angers me. And psychology...I'm supposed to be studying this right now. But WHY? I am an extremely empathetic human being, with life experience on my side (amongst my own brain and a few other positives!) to help people with. I don't need to pay someone to teach me how to deal with problems. These things come with life experience, NOT SCHOOLING.
...WHAT IS THE POINT?
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Choice or Default?
I've been thinking for quite some time now, and I've said it in many ways...but to just come right out and wonder: "Did I (finally) choose this life for myself, or am I forever cursed to be on 'default'?" For me, now...love, is the be all-end all of living an army life. I am in no way, comfortable being around civilians. I also don't know many civilians. Mostly, because I live in an army town, but also, because each time I've met someone outside the base, they're completely ignorant and a lot of the times just plain RUDE concerning my life and my beliefs. Now, clearly I'm not writing this in a vent against civilians, but I'm sure it has a lot to do with why I choose to stay.
To the point, though.
As I've said before, this is the only life I've ever known. I'm content here. I'm proud, and I'm supportive here. I LOVE here. So back to my question: have I chosen this life on my own at this point? I can't think of any place or anyone I'd rather be with than with my soldier. I've gone through SO much for him, and would do it again in a heartbeat if that meant I would have everything I've ever wanted and deserve to have in the future. He means the world to me, and if I could, I would give him the world. I do my best to compensate, though.
But why am I so good at this? Now back to my "default training." I can't help but constantly wonder why I am so accepting and tolerable of being left alone so much. Of being out of the loop, and not even questioning the "I can't tell you's." I just GET IT. Now, don't get me wrong, I could definitely live without having to listen to them CONSTANTLY talk about work, but I get that too. It's not just a job, it's their life. It's who they are. It's SOUL for a lot of them. It's just natural.
So because the army itself is natural for them, is being an army dependent/girlfriend/wife a natural way to be as well? Am I set by default to do this for as long as he wants this life, or am I doing it for love and because I just "get it"? Could I really leave, even if I wanted to? All I know is, I love him, and will do this no matter what. But I still question why I do it, if not just for love.
To the point, though.
As I've said before, this is the only life I've ever known. I'm content here. I'm proud, and I'm supportive here. I LOVE here. So back to my question: have I chosen this life on my own at this point? I can't think of any place or anyone I'd rather be with than with my soldier. I've gone through SO much for him, and would do it again in a heartbeat if that meant I would have everything I've ever wanted and deserve to have in the future. He means the world to me, and if I could, I would give him the world. I do my best to compensate, though.
But why am I so good at this? Now back to my "default training." I can't help but constantly wonder why I am so accepting and tolerable of being left alone so much. Of being out of the loop, and not even questioning the "I can't tell you's." I just GET IT. Now, don't get me wrong, I could definitely live without having to listen to them CONSTANTLY talk about work, but I get that too. It's not just a job, it's their life. It's who they are. It's SOUL for a lot of them. It's just natural.
So because the army itself is natural for them, is being an army dependent/girlfriend/wife a natural way to be as well? Am I set by default to do this for as long as he wants this life, or am I doing it for love and because I just "get it"? Could I really leave, even if I wanted to? All I know is, I love him, and will do this no matter what. But I still question why I do it, if not just for love.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Long road ahead, but well worth it in the end...
So, one month down, 5 more to go. This is the point in time I really wasn't looking forward to, regardless of how quickly it came. Now it feels like time has just come to an abrupt halt, and I'm stuck here wondering what to do with myself.
What can I do? I'm feeling guilty for finding myself exhausted thinking about him CONSTANTLY, and all the while, every little thought is about him no matter WHAT I do. I love him, more than I'd like to admit sometimes, but I don't doubt it, and that's what counts. But when it feels like life has just stopped at the one-month mark, and now it's like I'm floating through some kind of fog...I don't know what to do. I'm just so tired of this being the only thing I think and feel, non-stop, 24 hours a day, EVERY day.
He's the first thought in my head every morning, and the last thought slipping away as I fall asleep. Twice this week, I woke up thinking I heard him saying my name...it just felt so unsettling for the rest of the morning, and it made me feel a sadness I can't explain. Guess now I'm the one having an "I hate deployment" day!
I don't like this right now. I've started getting into my own routine finally, and it's probably about to worry me. What if, at some point, I get so attached to this routine, that it causes a fight when he comes home? I honestly don't think this will happen, 'cause I'd much rather spend time with him than watch T.V. or whatever I fill my time with in the coming months, but..."what if"? He's so much more important than any of these things, but it's hard not to wonder...
All I know is, it's been a rough month. A lot of feelings I never thought I had, WAY too much time to think, and the resentment of having to sleep alone. I used to LOVE sleeping alone, what happened to that? Will any of this end at some point? I doubt it. So it looks like this rollercoaster ride of deployment is just getting started. One month down, 5 to go!
* I miss you more than you know, baby...Stay safe, stay happy, and come home to me...<3
What can I do? I'm feeling guilty for finding myself exhausted thinking about him CONSTANTLY, and all the while, every little thought is about him no matter WHAT I do. I love him, more than I'd like to admit sometimes, but I don't doubt it, and that's what counts. But when it feels like life has just stopped at the one-month mark, and now it's like I'm floating through some kind of fog...I don't know what to do. I'm just so tired of this being the only thing I think and feel, non-stop, 24 hours a day, EVERY day.
He's the first thought in my head every morning, and the last thought slipping away as I fall asleep. Twice this week, I woke up thinking I heard him saying my name...it just felt so unsettling for the rest of the morning, and it made me feel a sadness I can't explain. Guess now I'm the one having an "I hate deployment" day!
I don't like this right now. I've started getting into my own routine finally, and it's probably about to worry me. What if, at some point, I get so attached to this routine, that it causes a fight when he comes home? I honestly don't think this will happen, 'cause I'd much rather spend time with him than watch T.V. or whatever I fill my time with in the coming months, but..."what if"? He's so much more important than any of these things, but it's hard not to wonder...
All I know is, it's been a rough month. A lot of feelings I never thought I had, WAY too much time to think, and the resentment of having to sleep alone. I used to LOVE sleeping alone, what happened to that? Will any of this end at some point? I doubt it. So it looks like this rollercoaster ride of deployment is just getting started. One month down, 5 to go!
* I miss you more than you know, baby...Stay safe, stay happy, and come home to me...<3
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Confessions of an Army Brat.
Today I realized a few things...it was made very clear by the way I started to behave, and I really didn't like it. So I figured this was the best place to get it all out. I'm no good talking to people, but I can write, so that's what I'll do.
So the last few weeks since my guy left for Afghanistan have been a real rollercoaster. This is my first real tour as a military girlfriend, and I wasn't sure what I was expecting...but it wasn't this. I've been through plenty of deployments with my parents, so how could this one be any different? Guess I'm finding out. I was expecting to just 'suck it up' and do as I was 'trained' to do...be strong, be proud...and I am, for the most part. But honestly, this is harder than I expected. Some days are so easy, and then some other days I just totally lose myself in it. There really is no way to prepare for any of this. You just do it.
I've been raised by the military...and hardened by it just as well. Crying is a weakness...and even more so if someone sees me break down. These things I've been brought up to believe so as not to get hurt. But I'm starting to think it's more damaging not to let it out than anything. It's a pain I can no longer stand to face alone. I've become so hardened by it, that I hide myself with sarcasm and bitter anger. Today I snapped and all because I can't reach out to him (or anyone close to me) over something that will turn out to be small and insignificant. I don't know what to say to anyone; I don't know what to write to him. As a writer, I am rarely at a loss for words, and each time I've sat down to write him a letter...I can't do it. Since the day he left, my mind and emotions have gone through a million different things that now leave me feeling completely crazy. I've even reached that low point - today - where I even believed he's lied to me and doesn't give a damn about me, and I know none of that is true. Each time I've felt down like this, I've listened to the one song that reminds me how I feel for him, and everything he's done for me and helped me get through. But I'm sad, because he doesn't even know that this has been "our" song.
I only wonder if there are others out there who've reached this point. How many of us have been trained to be what everyone seems to think I am, just because I don't show my pain? I don't show fear, I don't cry - not in front of anyone, anyway. But because of this, I rarely smile. Most of the time, I'm alone with my thoughts, and I prefer it that way. I can't bear the thought of showing someone, not even my boyfriend, how I really feel. I am absolutely terrified of "what could be." What's going to happen to him? Where is he? What's he doing? What's on his mind? Is he hurting the way I am? And worst of all...is he ever going to share any of this with me? The girl everyone has always seen in me, is starting to fall apart and question everything. Maybe I'm not so strong after all...maybe I'm just hardened.
Every second, of every day is a thought of him. The things my family has done and seen just to make sure I don't have to. My entire life, I've dedicated to a love of something that never returns it. But god help anyone who questions this love. I've never been more proud of anything. I wouldn't trade this life for the world. But why do I have to hold off being a real human being for it all?
Before he left, I actually admitted something I've never told anyone before. I wondered if I was okay with him leaving, because that's all I've ever known. But really, I wasn't okay at all...for the first time in my life, I didn't want to handle it. I'm tired of having to tolerate being alone and being left all the time. I'm tired of shutting off everything I THINK I feel, because I'll never get a chance or enough time to show it. I'm tired of questioning everything he doesn't show me, and only ever being able to assume why. All this, so it doesn't "fuck up his tour."
Well each time I've heard those words, I've built a wall around it. Until the day came when he told me he too, was going overseas. So then I slowly started feeling a bitterness towards those words, and just lost it internally. Each time I hear them now, I want to scream at the person that "life doesn't stop just because they're going away!" WE are still here, WE are still living our lives (in Canada) and just because you're going to another country where things aren't so easy, that doesn't mean we can all just pretend life here isn't happening.
Because of this, I'm too afraid to say anything negative. I have NO IDEA what I can say to him anymore for fear of the "what if"? It makes me want to break down and cry, because..."what if" I never get to say these things? "What if" I never get to know the answers, to questions I need answers to? I feel broken and lost. I will cry it out with all my pain that no one who knows me, will EVER see, and then put my wall back up. Then go back out into the real world where people think I'm either a "bitch" or tough as hell for the things I've been brought up to live.
So is this really pure strength covering up all my fears and sadness, or is it a cold-hard, empty shell that's been drilled full of "emotional training" in place of the real human being he deserves to have love him? I just don't have the answers.
So the last few weeks since my guy left for Afghanistan have been a real rollercoaster. This is my first real tour as a military girlfriend, and I wasn't sure what I was expecting...but it wasn't this. I've been through plenty of deployments with my parents, so how could this one be any different? Guess I'm finding out. I was expecting to just 'suck it up' and do as I was 'trained' to do...be strong, be proud...and I am, for the most part. But honestly, this is harder than I expected. Some days are so easy, and then some other days I just totally lose myself in it. There really is no way to prepare for any of this. You just do it.
I've been raised by the military...and hardened by it just as well. Crying is a weakness...and even more so if someone sees me break down. These things I've been brought up to believe so as not to get hurt. But I'm starting to think it's more damaging not to let it out than anything. It's a pain I can no longer stand to face alone. I've become so hardened by it, that I hide myself with sarcasm and bitter anger. Today I snapped and all because I can't reach out to him (or anyone close to me) over something that will turn out to be small and insignificant. I don't know what to say to anyone; I don't know what to write to him. As a writer, I am rarely at a loss for words, and each time I've sat down to write him a letter...I can't do it. Since the day he left, my mind and emotions have gone through a million different things that now leave me feeling completely crazy. I've even reached that low point - today - where I even believed he's lied to me and doesn't give a damn about me, and I know none of that is true. Each time I've felt down like this, I've listened to the one song that reminds me how I feel for him, and everything he's done for me and helped me get through. But I'm sad, because he doesn't even know that this has been "our" song.
I only wonder if there are others out there who've reached this point. How many of us have been trained to be what everyone seems to think I am, just because I don't show my pain? I don't show fear, I don't cry - not in front of anyone, anyway. But because of this, I rarely smile. Most of the time, I'm alone with my thoughts, and I prefer it that way. I can't bear the thought of showing someone, not even my boyfriend, how I really feel. I am absolutely terrified of "what could be." What's going to happen to him? Where is he? What's he doing? What's on his mind? Is he hurting the way I am? And worst of all...is he ever going to share any of this with me? The girl everyone has always seen in me, is starting to fall apart and question everything. Maybe I'm not so strong after all...maybe I'm just hardened.
Every second, of every day is a thought of him. The things my family has done and seen just to make sure I don't have to. My entire life, I've dedicated to a love of something that never returns it. But god help anyone who questions this love. I've never been more proud of anything. I wouldn't trade this life for the world. But why do I have to hold off being a real human being for it all?
Before he left, I actually admitted something I've never told anyone before. I wondered if I was okay with him leaving, because that's all I've ever known. But really, I wasn't okay at all...for the first time in my life, I didn't want to handle it. I'm tired of having to tolerate being alone and being left all the time. I'm tired of shutting off everything I THINK I feel, because I'll never get a chance or enough time to show it. I'm tired of questioning everything he doesn't show me, and only ever being able to assume why. All this, so it doesn't "fuck up his tour."
Well each time I've heard those words, I've built a wall around it. Until the day came when he told me he too, was going overseas. So then I slowly started feeling a bitterness towards those words, and just lost it internally. Each time I hear them now, I want to scream at the person that "life doesn't stop just because they're going away!" WE are still here, WE are still living our lives (in Canada) and just because you're going to another country where things aren't so easy, that doesn't mean we can all just pretend life here isn't happening.
Because of this, I'm too afraid to say anything negative. I have NO IDEA what I can say to him anymore for fear of the "what if"? It makes me want to break down and cry, because..."what if" I never get to say these things? "What if" I never get to know the answers, to questions I need answers to? I feel broken and lost. I will cry it out with all my pain that no one who knows me, will EVER see, and then put my wall back up. Then go back out into the real world where people think I'm either a "bitch" or tough as hell for the things I've been brought up to live.
So is this really pure strength covering up all my fears and sadness, or is it a cold-hard, empty shell that's been drilled full of "emotional training" in place of the real human being he deserves to have love him? I just don't have the answers.
Friday, October 3, 2008
The Mass Production of Ignorance in Canada...?
As of right now, the Canadian people are in an uproar over the coming election. Political parties, focusing more on attacking each other (resembling an elementary school playground and its bully, over a group of intelligent, educated grown-ups!), rather than the beliefs they supposedly came into power to fight for...and the people of this country, watching on like children, rolling their eyes back into their heads in...I don't know what. Disbelief? Confusion? Ignorance? Definitely nothing useful. We're watching a political drama unfold...watching Stephen Harper and Stephane Dion bitch-slap each other over who's a "better", more qualified leader, and cry over "letting the girl in." If this is what our country has succumbed to, I no longer want to be a Canadian. My love for this country no longer exists. Have we seen the 'N.D.P.' or the 'Green' parties attacking each other? Posting - although a bit humourous, but just a tad bit immature - ridiculous posters and websites of how pathetic the other one is...? No. We're watching the other parties, step up and address the issues at hand. The issues they've initially founded themselves on. However, because I am in full support of Elizabeth May and the Green Party, perhaps this rant will be a bit biased. Oh well. Perhaps I will even send my little rant TO her, and see what becomes of it. Who knows...? At least I would be making a positive effort in getting what I want.
As far as I'm concerned, Elizabeth May is actually TRYING. Can I say the same for the two big "BULLIES" - the Liberals and Conservatives? GOD NO. They're too busy having their little cat-fight, while the others are focused on what they really, truly want for this country, and the rest of our beautiful planet. The Green party is paying in blood for their beliefs. They've stood up to the 'big bullies' and rallied on because of these beliefs they care so deeply about. They are DEFINITELY getting my vote this time around. The Green party is concerned for THE most important aspect of politics and the world at this point in time. Without the environment, there is no country. Without a country, there is no army, there are no jobs, there is no money, no schooling, no food, nowhere to sleep comfortably in ignorance every night...you get the point. How did we get here? (Honestly, stop asking the question, start looking for the answers.) Quit trying to explain your way out of the issues at hand, passing them off for yet another decade until it's all right there in our faces. Gone outside lately? It's already here, and it's BEEN here for quite some time now. Ignoring this will not make it go away. Come out of "shock" and start DOING SOMETHING! Quit pretending like you didn't know. We can no longer play the "Oops!" card this time around, because we've ripped it up, burned it, and lost it along with our pride and values. Roll your eyes back into your heads, and see what is really going on around you.
So as for my venting...I need to question the people of this country, not only for myself, but for the future of...everything we know and love.
Have we really just succumbed to the beliefs of our leaders? Have we really just become an American asset? And if so, do they really just follow suit? Do our leaders truly want to be just like America? I'm very fearful of that. Canada has lost its personality -- all it used to stand for -- just to be, what...ACCEPTED by its 'superpower' big brother? Spare me the joke. Canada is dead. Our ancestors wasted their time and energy and even a lot of their lives building a future that never came. Our brave and proud military is being used to support these disgusting new "values" instilled by, in my belief, our "greater", more ignorant sibling -- the United States. Thank god our soldiers in Afghanistan still believe in a greater peace and a better world. Once we lose the support of the soldiers, we lose EVERYTHING. (And I truly do not have the energy to even broach the subject of military or war right now...god forbid someone gets offended. So please, don't even bother questioning me on this one, I LOVE the army. I LOVE that this is what the majority of my family has always done. I've never been more proud of anything in my life! And because of that, I give ALL of my support to friends, family, and my own amazing soldier -- my HEART -- who are currently serving their time.)
SO -- what exactly are (the majority of) Canadians doing to solve these problems? To put a stop to these issues we continue to have, over and over again? ( I am not writing this to make myself look good, by any means, but at least I've woken up from the coma our leaders have put us in and am looking to make up for it -- and right away!) If that means joining the party I so clearly am putting my trust in to make this a better world, and give us our country back, than by all means, I would gladly do it for free. I am TIRED of watching the Liberals steal our money and lie to us, while the Conservatives (whom I've actually helped put in power) focus solely on financial issues and lead us into what appears to now be a very dark future. I admit it, I am scared for this country and its people. As an individual, I am everything I believe Canada should be. I used to be proud of my Canadian heritage, and now...I'm not so sure.
From my own perspective, the people of Canada (not JUST, but this is where I've been raised, and the issues I know for face-value) appear as a classroom full of students who refuse to listen. Who opt out on education just because they're tired, bored, don't get it, think their time is better spent elsewhere, etc. The Canadian people look like a group of scared children bullied around by that one kid who has nothing better to do than take advantage of their insecurites and weaknesses. Where did our pride go? Our fight for a better world? Is that not why we're all here? Canada, if anything, was supposed to be "the Promised Land", if you will. The one place on Earth, where we all had the same positive values and desires. A love for our country (including it's physical form, as we clearly all love to brag about to other nationalities! PRIDE!), a love for our families, a love for our education, and definitely a love for our freedom. And yet, we've single-handedly begun to destroy all those beautiful values our ancestors once had in mind for a once great country.
Suppose you're one of the newly recruited into environmentalism. You think you're a good person for recycling -- most of the time? Good for you. What else are you doing? Guaranteed you're still driving your car, on the cheapest fuel you can find. Guess why it's so cheap? :) (We won't go there either.) That is an expense paid by our planet. You are paying into the destruction of your own home and family just by driving your car to and from work everyday. What exactly is the point of all this? People are trying to make themselves feel better for crossing one little thing off the checklist of destructives, while in reality, it's not enough. It won't be enough unless the vast majority -- if not everyone! -- starts doing their part. Businesses are a major cause of why things continue to go bad. Start CARING. If not, say 'bye, bye' to your country. What's a military for if protecting our right to destroy exactly what it is they're fighting for? How about peacekeeping for our PLANET?
How about humanitarianism? A very large percentage of our country lives on or below the poverty line. So while you're free to throw food away, and allow it to rot in your fridge, there are people in OUR own country (forget the rest of the world on this one) struggling to survive, starving, and paying with their lives for it. What are we doing about that? CLEARLY not enough, because it's still happening! Hell, if I wanted to take that one step further, I'd mention homelessness. No one seems to care about that issue either! But it's becoming a real epidemic. A very terrifying reality in a lot of peoples lives today, even in Canada. Take a look around you! (This issue just presses on many, MANY others.)
So my issue right now is, why are we still having these problems? Why haven't we put into power, a leader that is truly a means to an end? Someone who really DOES care about where things are going? Caring about the backbone of what they're supposed to be protecting and fighting for? I believe the answer to all of these problems are right there in front of us, the people just need to wake up. Hopefully before it's too late.
Start with the children of today. They are what really count.
Begin their education with the issues at hand. Teach them things that REALLY matter. Teach them about the environment, instill compassion and empathy into them while there is still time. I would rather see our country take back its original values before I see us destroy what is left. What good are the academics if we're not here to use the things we've learned? Teach them the math and science of the environment and the earth itself. Chemistry is absolutely USELESS now that we know how to create even more ways to destroy everything! Biology is the study of life and how living beings "work." Well, if these creatures (including us) are all dead...what good is biology? Create something positive and helpful with all that knowledge. BOMBS ARE NOT HELPFUL!!! Do people really believe a degree really matters once we no longer have food to eat, a healthy place to live, or un-polluted air to breathe?
What good are we to our own people, let alone those who desperately need our help if our own country is physically falling apart? Our soldiers are off fighting a war against terrorism, while those of us left behind, should be fighting the war against the environment!
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=4jCgXPbeX7I
As far as I'm concerned, Elizabeth May is actually TRYING. Can I say the same for the two big "BULLIES" - the Liberals and Conservatives? GOD NO. They're too busy having their little cat-fight, while the others are focused on what they really, truly want for this country, and the rest of our beautiful planet. The Green party is paying in blood for their beliefs. They've stood up to the 'big bullies' and rallied on because of these beliefs they care so deeply about. They are DEFINITELY getting my vote this time around. The Green party is concerned for THE most important aspect of politics and the world at this point in time. Without the environment, there is no country. Without a country, there is no army, there are no jobs, there is no money, no schooling, no food, nowhere to sleep comfortably in ignorance every night...you get the point. How did we get here? (Honestly, stop asking the question, start looking for the answers.) Quit trying to explain your way out of the issues at hand, passing them off for yet another decade until it's all right there in our faces. Gone outside lately? It's already here, and it's BEEN here for quite some time now. Ignoring this will not make it go away. Come out of "shock" and start DOING SOMETHING! Quit pretending like you didn't know. We can no longer play the "Oops!" card this time around, because we've ripped it up, burned it, and lost it along with our pride and values. Roll your eyes back into your heads, and see what is really going on around you.
So as for my venting...I need to question the people of this country, not only for myself, but for the future of...everything we know and love.
Have we really just succumbed to the beliefs of our leaders? Have we really just become an American asset? And if so, do they really just follow suit? Do our leaders truly want to be just like America? I'm very fearful of that. Canada has lost its personality -- all it used to stand for -- just to be, what...ACCEPTED by its 'superpower' big brother? Spare me the joke. Canada is dead. Our ancestors wasted their time and energy and even a lot of their lives building a future that never came. Our brave and proud military is being used to support these disgusting new "values" instilled by, in my belief, our "greater", more ignorant sibling -- the United States. Thank god our soldiers in Afghanistan still believe in a greater peace and a better world. Once we lose the support of the soldiers, we lose EVERYTHING. (And I truly do not have the energy to even broach the subject of military or war right now...god forbid someone gets offended. So please, don't even bother questioning me on this one, I LOVE the army. I LOVE that this is what the majority of my family has always done. I've never been more proud of anything in my life! And because of that, I give ALL of my support to friends, family, and my own amazing soldier -- my HEART -- who are currently serving their time.)
SO -- what exactly are (the majority of) Canadians doing to solve these problems? To put a stop to these issues we continue to have, over and over again? ( I am not writing this to make myself look good, by any means, but at least I've woken up from the coma our leaders have put us in and am looking to make up for it -- and right away!) If that means joining the party I so clearly am putting my trust in to make this a better world, and give us our country back, than by all means, I would gladly do it for free. I am TIRED of watching the Liberals steal our money and lie to us, while the Conservatives (whom I've actually helped put in power) focus solely on financial issues and lead us into what appears to now be a very dark future. I admit it, I am scared for this country and its people. As an individual, I am everything I believe Canada should be. I used to be proud of my Canadian heritage, and now...I'm not so sure.
From my own perspective, the people of Canada (not JUST, but this is where I've been raised, and the issues I know for face-value) appear as a classroom full of students who refuse to listen. Who opt out on education just because they're tired, bored, don't get it, think their time is better spent elsewhere, etc. The Canadian people look like a group of scared children bullied around by that one kid who has nothing better to do than take advantage of their insecurites and weaknesses. Where did our pride go? Our fight for a better world? Is that not why we're all here? Canada, if anything, was supposed to be "the Promised Land", if you will. The one place on Earth, where we all had the same positive values and desires. A love for our country (including it's physical form, as we clearly all love to brag about to other nationalities! PRIDE!), a love for our families, a love for our education, and definitely a love for our freedom. And yet, we've single-handedly begun to destroy all those beautiful values our ancestors once had in mind for a once great country.
Suppose you're one of the newly recruited into environmentalism. You think you're a good person for recycling -- most of the time? Good for you. What else are you doing? Guaranteed you're still driving your car, on the cheapest fuel you can find. Guess why it's so cheap? :) (We won't go there either.) That is an expense paid by our planet. You are paying into the destruction of your own home and family just by driving your car to and from work everyday. What exactly is the point of all this? People are trying to make themselves feel better for crossing one little thing off the checklist of destructives, while in reality, it's not enough. It won't be enough unless the vast majority -- if not everyone! -- starts doing their part. Businesses are a major cause of why things continue to go bad. Start CARING. If not, say 'bye, bye' to your country. What's a military for if protecting our right to destroy exactly what it is they're fighting for? How about peacekeeping for our PLANET?
How about humanitarianism? A very large percentage of our country lives on or below the poverty line. So while you're free to throw food away, and allow it to rot in your fridge, there are people in OUR own country (forget the rest of the world on this one) struggling to survive, starving, and paying with their lives for it. What are we doing about that? CLEARLY not enough, because it's still happening! Hell, if I wanted to take that one step further, I'd mention homelessness. No one seems to care about that issue either! But it's becoming a real epidemic. A very terrifying reality in a lot of peoples lives today, even in Canada. Take a look around you! (This issue just presses on many, MANY others.)
So my issue right now is, why are we still having these problems? Why haven't we put into power, a leader that is truly a means to an end? Someone who really DOES care about where things are going? Caring about the backbone of what they're supposed to be protecting and fighting for? I believe the answer to all of these problems are right there in front of us, the people just need to wake up. Hopefully before it's too late.
Start with the children of today. They are what really count.
Begin their education with the issues at hand. Teach them things that REALLY matter. Teach them about the environment, instill compassion and empathy into them while there is still time. I would rather see our country take back its original values before I see us destroy what is left. What good are the academics if we're not here to use the things we've learned? Teach them the math and science of the environment and the earth itself. Chemistry is absolutely USELESS now that we know how to create even more ways to destroy everything! Biology is the study of life and how living beings "work." Well, if these creatures (including us) are all dead...what good is biology? Create something positive and helpful with all that knowledge. BOMBS ARE NOT HELPFUL!!! Do people really believe a degree really matters once we no longer have food to eat, a healthy place to live, or un-polluted air to breathe?
What good are we to our own people, let alone those who desperately need our help if our own country is physically falling apart? Our soldiers are off fighting a war against terrorism, while those of us left behind, should be fighting the war against the environment!
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=4jCgXPbeX7I
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